Great Sexpectations - Porn VS Real Sex

Much like your love life rarely resembles a romance movie, your sex life is probably a far cry from what you see in the world of the sexually explicit. If that first sentence does not apply to you, you have no idea how lucky you are. For the rest of us, here are some of the most unlikely, unrealistic and sometimes laughable expectations we get from porn.

Long-Lasting and Orgasms For All…Every Time!

Hey, in real life quickies happen, and they can be great. Other times, you may keep the action going for hours. As long as your needs are being met, who needs a time frame? So, you don’t always climax, and that’s totally fine. You can still have awesome sex without an orgasm.

Real Sex Sounds

In porn there are really only two things you hear; bad dialogue and animalistic orgasms. What about all the awkward smacking, sucking, and slapping noises that go on? Sure they’re a little bit off-putting at first, but hey it’s all part of the game, right?

You’re Perfectly Groomed Below the Belt Before Every Single Hookup

Unless you’ve got a waxing specialist on standby, you’re probably not super-smooth all month long. Plus, we’re willing to bet you don’t let a few stray hairs stand in the way of a good time.

Missionary is Out. Gymnastics are In

Sure Ron Jeremy might be able to work that reverse spider monkey position for hours on end, but in the real world, awkward positions can result in painful cramping. Now we’re all for porn looking as pristine and perfect as possible, but can a guy get a little disclaimer explaining that drilling for oil while their girl is doing a handstand is going to make her neck and his back hurt for a while?

Acrobats Rarely Exist Outside of a Circus Tent

Chances are, you’re not going to be hooking up with a lot of people who like getting freaky while hanging upside-down on a stripper pole in reality. Oddly enough, the porn world seems to be filled with men and women who don’t mind getting mauled in the kitchen sink or tossing a salad or two while bending backwards over a coffee table. As much as we might think it’s cool, that stuff is just uncomfortable. Kitchen table - absolutely! Back seat of a cramped car - sure why not! Face buried in carpet while hanging off the couch - not so much.

Sweat Isn’t as Cool in the Real World

Alright, so this one may be up for debate because many people are up for a passionate, sticky, sweaty romp, but somehow in porn it’s just always sexier. A porn actress glistens when a thin layer of perspiration and a lot of good lighting come together in harmony. But for the rest of us, if you focus on it, it’s just kind of gross.

Awkward Condom Situations

On the rare occasions that a male porn star is actually wearing a condom, it’d be nice to see him struggle with opening the wrapper some of the time, or maybe having a hard time putting it on — it just adds a touch of humanity.

Your Reactions are Always Oscar-Worthy in Bed

When something feels good, definitely let your partner know. But that doesn’t mean moaning so loud your neighbours hear it. Don’t feel the need to mimic the false or over-exaggerated enthusiasm instead of just your natural response—your partner will see right through it.

Every Guy is Blessed with a Pants Python

So this is why guys are so concerned about their penis sizes. In reality the average male penis size is about 5 inches long. Remember it is not about how big it is, it is how you use it that makes all the difference.

Everyone Wants to have a Threesome/Role Play/Dominate You/etc.

Just like you’re not into everything you see online, your bedmate isn’t either. So don’t assume they want to act out every fantasy listed in their browser history.

Remember, it’s fine to use porn to help spice things up—both solo and with a bedmate, but never forget that these X-rated clips aren’t the real deal. Real sex is horny, funny, emotional and..well…just better!

4 Bondage Tips For Beginners So You Will Rarely Need a Safe Word

Bondage is not just for the BDSM lovers out there, it’s for anyone who wants to add a bit of spice to their sexy time. Bondage may be a factor of BDSM but the belief that it is only used during this kind of setting is a misconception, however it can be a gentle introduction into the BDSM lifestyle. Here’s our guide to safety when considering beginner’s bondage.

In Charge or Under Control?

You need to discuss what you want out of bondage with your partner. Is domination your kind of thing and they want to surrender to you? Or perhaps you both like the thought of being tied up and taken advantage of, in which case you need to take turns? Where will your kinky play take place? The bedroom? The kitchen? Your back garden? What will you use for creating the knots? You need to prepare for everything, not only to make sure you get the most out of your kinky time but also to keep yourselves safe.

Safe is the New Sexy

Be particularly careful on deciding on where to have your fun. Tying someone up in a steamy shower could be fantastically erotic but their hands are no longer free to catch and balance themselves. Your kitchen floor could be a majorly horny place to get down to it but there’s the obvious array of sharp, heavy utensils, moving drawers and countless other dangerous items in your kitchen — well not just your kitchen but every room. Survey your prospective play area and safe-proof everything before having your fu, as one of you will be at a disadvantage when tied up and unable to react quickly to any mishap.

Silk Appeal

The material you use is best kept as something soft, flexible and easily accessible for starting out. You might want to go full on and buy a bunch of rope to hogtie your partner with, but you need to transition into it before you get to that stage. Something you have at home like a tie or stockings are perfect for beginners’ bondage as they’re forgiving on the skin and you already have them, so if you’re not keen on tying one another up after trying it, you haven’t wasted any money. Then, once you are both comfortable, you can move on to other materials such as ropes. Keep in mind that there’s going to be some back and forth movement, and with a tougher material like rope on skin that isn’t used to such treatment there could be injuries if you do not do things right. Also try not to use anything of value to tie them up just in case of an emergency where you need to cut their ties in a hurry.

Always Have a Safe Word

Bondage can be a very part of role playing. Always make sure that you and your partner have agreed on a safe word before playing. This must be something unusual that would not normally be said. So whether it is ‘Mugglewump’, ‘Marmite’ or ’Margaret Thatcher’, make sure you have it sorted

Bondage can be great fun, it gives extra sensation to the person tied up as their body is producing extra adrenaline as a natural response to being restrained. Even though they’ve chosen this, it’s what humans have evolved to do when suddenly not in control of their own bodies. So more adrenaline, more blood rushing to the genitals and erogenous areas leading to fantastic sex and higher intensity orgasms. Now that we’ve given you the science and the theory, it’s time to take the practical.

What Does Your Star Sign Say About You When it Comes to Sex?

Even if you read your weekly horoscope for fun, you might roll your eyes at the concept of astrological compatibility. But what if great sex is written in the stars, and "hey baby, what's your sign?" doesn't deserve its corny reputation?

If you're looking to achieve off-the-charts chemistry (aren't we all?) with a lover, it certainly can't hurt to consult the astrological charts. Discover your best bedroom chemistry with our guide to the stars and what takes them to cosmic climax.

Aries March 21 – April 19

The Ram is a take-charge kind of lover, self-confident to the extreme and loves to experiment. Be forewarned the Ram has an unquenchable thirst for sex and if you aren't able to keep up, it might become a sore spot.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Taureans have a strong sex drive and love to touch and to be touched. The Bull is very self-assured as a lover, although they might be considered a little old-fashioned by some. Expect the Taurus to satisfy you, but don't expect anything too unconventional.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

The Twins are masters of seduction. Your Gemini lover will stimulate your mind and your body, and because of this sign's creativity, your Twin will never be boring between the sheets. The Twins will never fall into the rut of the same ol' thing over and over again, so you'll always be surprised!

Cancer June 22 – July 22

Many Crabs are somewhat submissive sexually and enjoy pleasing their lover with tenderness and soft, lingering touches. Don't be surprised if your Cancer lover offers you a back rub or massage as part of foreplay!

Leo July 23 – August 22

Leos are powerful in bed, and many are dominant by nature. They have amazing sexual energy and confidence and have the innate ability to lead even reluctant lovers into the throes of passion. The Lions are generous in bed, but they expects to get at least as much as he gives.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Virgo is the "still water that runs deep." In other words, once you get underneath Virgo's calm surface, there's plenty of fiery passion underneath. They take very good care of their lovers in bed, showering them with their full attention.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Because of Libra's creativity , and fun-loving nature, a Libra lover will provide lots of sexual enjoyment to the right partner. Libras are very creative and enjoy playing out their sexual fantasies, including role playing.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Scorpios exude a powerful animal magnetism and a special sex appeal that's practically impossible to ignore. They have boundless libido, and a Scorpio lover can take you to heights of passion you never thought possible.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Archers are imaginative in bed and like to be sure their lover is enjoying themself. It's often difficult to get a Sagittarius to commit to a long-term relationship, but for sexual fulfillment, this sign is hard to beat.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

For the Goat, love and sex often go hand in hand. If a Capricorn cares for you, you will have no trouble arousing them to passionate sex. If you seek a kind, steady lover, Capricorn is for you.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Aquarians are all about physical passion, with or without an actual relationship. They enjoy experimenting in bed and are often considered "kinky." If you're open to trying new things in the bedroom, you won't be disappointed with the Water Bearer.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Pisceans are very easygoing and receptive to their lover's advances, so if you want to be the aggressor, Pisces might be just the fish you're angling for!

Becoming a MILF Hunter

Are you on the prowl for an older, more experienced lady who knows what she wants and how to get it? In case you’re new to MILF hunting or simply need a refresher, here’s our guide to wooing your fiery cougar into bed!

Be Good To Her and She’ll Be Good to You

Remember that mature ladies are majestic with much respect for themselves, so treat them with that same level of appreciation and don’t forget for a second that she has those additional years of practice in pulling - she’s much better at it than you are. So if you act like anything less than a gentleman in the way you speak to and treat her, don’t be surprised when you’re kicked to the curb and she goes on to find someone who really does behave like they should toward her.

MILF Locations

Where to find a filthy MILF that will fulfil all your darkest pleasures? There are so many places, from the gym getting their beautiful figures in shape, the local park mingling with other MILFs, to the pub scouting out potential younger lays across the bar. Want to be one of those hot, less experienced men that they bed after eye-fucking across the room? We bet you do!

Please Her in more Ways than One

You’ve bagged your sexy older vixen and you’re in between the sheets, now you need to show your MILF what a raging testosterone-filled bull you are. Don’t hold back, your mature woman doesn’t want a young boy, she wants an enthused, alpha male who knows how to caress her oh so subtly yet bring her to the point of climatic, Earth-shaking pleasure whilst getting what he desires from her also. She wants this man to show her things she’s never seen and please her in ways she’d never imagined. So think outside the box when with your MILF, missionary all night most likely wont cut her mustard!

So remember to exude confidence, allure, respect and display a little awe that’s due for the wondrous females that are mature women. Your older woman will be intriguing not just in the bedroom but in general thanks to her extensive life experience, she will show you things you could only have ever dreamt up from the most sensual pornography and leave the most erotic memories etched in your mind for the rest of your life.

9 Epic Sex Fails That Made Love Hurt - Literally!

We all get used to the occasional bruise, scratch and cramp when it comes to having a good time in the bedroom. They say ‘Love Hurts,’ but sometimes sex lands lovers in A&E. Prepare to cringe and crack up after reading these true, naughty stories. Rubber ball stuck where the sun doesn’t shine anyone? Behold, the wildest sex fails we’ve ever heard.

Wall-Breaking Sex

When a 440lb virgin decided to take things to the next level with his 110lb lover, things tragically ended with him accidentally driving her head right through the room’s sheet-rock wall. The two went to hospital where the female was ultimately told by doctors that she had a concussion. The couple stayed together for a few months after the incident, but have since called it quits.

Safety First

A doctor in india was mystified when a female patient complained of having a serious cough, runny nose and fever for over half a year. She’d been put on various medications, but nothing seemed to help. So, fearing the worst, they ran some hospital tests…and realised she had a condom lodged inside her lungs. Apparently, she’d inhaled it during an ‘act of love’, without actually realising it (how does this happen?). But hey, at least she was having safe sex.

Heart-Stoppingly Good Sex

A young guy and his girlfriend decided to get it on in his grandmother’s basement while she was out of the house. They grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant from her well-stocked medicine cabinet. Unfortunately it was nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. When Grandma came home, she found the couple unconscious, buck naked, and lying in a rather saucy position. An ambulance was called and they eventually came to after being given oxygen and fluids. So all ended well…other than the look on Grandma’s face!

A Hard Act to Follow

A 20-year-old man - reportedly healthy and sober at the time - was hospitalised with complaints of severe rectal discomfort. A digital examination revealed a hard, stone-like mass, and the patient soon admitted he’d been fooling around with his partner and they had decided to pour concrete mix into…erm…you know where. The concrete was removed and the patient discharged the following day. Moral of the story: don’t…just don’t —well, unless you require a statue for your mantelpiece that will be a feature of intrigue and horror for future house guests.

Not-So-Good Vibrations

Oh those naughty knickers hey! A 33-year-old Welsh housewife was reported to have passed out at a supermarket. The reason? She had been ‘overcome’ by the vibrations of a pair of Naughty Passion Pants she was wearing underneath her clothes. she collapsed against some shelves and banged her head. As she lay there, spectators reportedly could hear the undies still buzzing.

Just…Ouch!

Men with slightly small appendages — just be grateful for what you’ve got. One Malaysian man thought his wasn’t big enough and decided to take drastic action. His solution? Stick his dingaling into a welding nut and try to stretch it. Sadly, he got stuck, Forcing doctors to remove the top layer of penis skin to free it. Yikes!

Definitely the Wrong Tool for the Job

A couple in America decided to ramp up their vibrator by attaching it to a power tool. An electric saw in fact! Ooooooooh nooooooo! The woman had to be rushed to hospital after it cut clean through the plastic toy. Thankfully she made a full recovery and would be unlikely to try that again.

Gotta Have Some Hot Stuff

Ever heard about drunken idiots snorting chilli? We definitely do not recommend doing this, but apparently the burning sensation is painfully intense due to the sensitive skin on the inside of your nose, called mucous membrane, which also lines your lips, ears and…wait for it… the genitals! Well one couple inadvertently spiced up their sex life when the man came home from a night out eating spicy, hot food and then engaged in saucy bedroom antics with his lady, only to accidentally burn her sensitive parts with his tongue.

What’s Up Doc?

A young couple rushed to hospital with this story: During sex the woman had grabbed a medium-sized rubber ball and inserted it into her man’s back door. The ball had become lodged so high in his rectum that they couldn’t get it out. It turned out that the doctor could not either! The doctor paged a surgeon, but whilst waiting for him to arrive, the man began coughing. The ball came flying out of his butt with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the surgeon right in the forehead just as he came through the door. (I don’t know about anyone else but this one totally cracks me up!)

Most sexual activity ‘comes’ with the risk of something going wrong. Yep, you read that right, there is no such thing as having perfect sex. Just don’t go to these extremes hey folks. Have you ever had a sex-related injury? Tell us about it in the comments.

5 Wild Sex Party Shindigs To Make You A Swinging Legend!

The thought of having a sex party can seem exciting and scary at the same time. For most of us, the idea of a sex party always seem fascinating and taboo, like something we shouldn’t do, but yet want to! It’s just like skinny dipping. What’s so great about jumping into a pool of water with no clothes on, surrounded by friends? The concept sounds crazy. But the sexual high it gives, well, that’s a big kinky rush, isn’t it?

Let’s get wilder and dive into the horny world of crazy sex parties! Here are 5 types of sexy shindig you can have at home, really make a splash with your guests and become a sexy party legend.

ANYTHING BUT CLOTHES PARTY

ABC parties are a really safe way to test the waters. You can dress up in anything you want, as long as you’re not wearing clothes. Plastic sheets, duct tapes, boxes, or anything that makes you look sexy and trashy at the same time are perfect attire for this kind of party. Anything but clothes parties are fun, and watching several other people dance around in attire that almost always falls off or reveals far too much can be a laugh and a loin arouser at the same time! Add a few cocktails and mixers, and the night will end with several people in bed.

ROLE PLAYING PARTY

Everyone dresses up as their favourite fictional character. You can even pick a theme like porn stars, anime characters, etc. But the only catch is that the attire has to be the sexiest outfit worn by the character. As long as everyone’s game for fun and not being prudish about the attire, the dance floor would be full of skimpily dressed people who’re just looking forward to a night of wild fun.

SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN WITH A TWIST

You know the rules of a typical seven minutes in heaven game. A couple is randomly chosen after spinning a bottle on the floor, and the two of them get locked in a closet for seven minutes. But in this new couple’s version of the game, the couples sit together and spin the bottle. And two couples are selected to go into a tight space like a small bathroom and the lights are turned off. It may feel awkward for the first few minutes, but the pitch darkness will bring out the sexy side in no time! And if there are singles present at the party, the game could involve one couple and one single with each spin of the bottle.

PORN PARTY

This is a customisable party that can be planned depending on how you want it. If you have a few televisions at home, play a different porn movie in each television that’s placed in different rooms or in different parts of a big room. If you want something more cosy, invite a few friends over, share a few drinks together, and call all your friends into a room that’s cleared of all the furniture. Spread mattresses and blankets all over the floor of the room, turn off the lights and play a porn movie. The first fifteen minutes may seem tame, but wait a while, and the room will seem like it’s riding a wave of sexual frenzy.

ROMAN ORGIES

This is the biggest and the wildest kind of sexual party you can have, unless you’re talking kinky. But it’s also something most people aren’t comfortable with. If you and your partner are interested in having a full blown orgy with several other couples, then this may be the perfect answer for you. When you participate in an orgy, the sexual energy created in a room full of people indulging in sexual activities will definitely give you an orgasmic high *only if you’re into orgies*. And if you want to enjoy a roman orgy sex party, make sure you carry a lot of protection, especially if you and your lover are planning to stay up the whole night.

These 5 wild types of sex parties are great ways to test your sexual boundaries, and make sex more exciting. You can start slow with the first few and work your way down to the bolder ones if you’re left gasping for more! Enjoy!

Deepthroat Secrets Revealed So You Can Give That Porn Star Blow

If the very thought of a phallic object testing your gag reflex makes you want to hurl, but you want to be an apex oral administrator, we’ve got a couple of tips that could make your time spent down there much more pleasurable and also make your oral recipient’s day - woohoo!

Train That Trachea

Practice makes perfect as they say and perhaps, while you’re still at deep-throating rookie level, it would be best to practice your pork sword-swallowing technique on something that isn’t your sexual partner’s member, unless they’re cool with the remnants of your cream cheese breakfast bagel being regurgitated all over their naked crotch that is. If they encourage you to recycle your brekkie onto their exposed genitals then wow, that’s kinky!

Try to get your mouth and throat adjusted to a foreign object being there and tickling your gag reflex area. Get yourself a soft, flexible dildo of the “proper size” so you can practice with it in private at your leisure. Note: NEVER, NEVER, EVER practice on hot dogs, sausages, cucumbers, courgettes, or even peeled bananas – they can break-off in your throat and choke you! Slowly introduce the object to your throat and hold it there gently just when it begins to feel like you’re gonna get your gag on. Don’t push yourself too hard but, as with anything training-wise, you gotta push a little bit to make improvements and get better. Gradually build up your tolerance with your willy-quaffing training. You’re going to be like the Rocky of the sausage slurpers! Ahem should we say...Cocky? Sorry. Bad us.

Sweeten The Deal

There are also a few neat little tricks to reduce deep throat difficulty. Its not all about sticking that thing in there as far as you can and attempting to breathe through your ears for what feels like a small eternity. It is possible to make it easier and dare we say it, thoroughly enjoyable pleasuring someone using your upper penis portal. Try a cough sweet 5 minutes or so prior to enveloping their bits with your gob, the sweet will help reduce sensation at the back of the throat where it’s most sensitive so that you can happily blow their cock without blowing chunks.

Get a Grip

Ok, so the next one sounds a bit peculiar, but gripping your left thumb in your fist can disarm your gag reflex’s defences. It’s basically a case of distracting your brain with an odd sensation so that it doesn’t acknowledge the other strange sensation of a foreign object fighting its way down to your oesophagus (not physically possible but sure it would give your guy an epic ego inflation if he’s anatomy-savvy and heard you trying to moan ‘oh yeah you’re hitting my oesophagus’...(not even entirely sure how you’d accomplish saying that with a mouthful of cock)..anyway, we digress, next tip.

We Nose How

Many people don’t even realise how much they rely on their mouth for breathing until they can’t breath through it anymore. Don’t be a mouth breather and practice inhaling large amounts of air through your hooter. Get used to it in your everyday life and you will find it a very handy talent at times when your mouth is otherwise engaged. Your blowjob buddy will thank you for it, as you won’t have to release their penis every second so you can gasp for air. Breathing through your nose means you can multi-task — convert oxygen into carbon dioxide and keep pleasing that one-eyed mouth guest.

Good luck with your deepthroat training, you will be taking it like a pro in no time! Anyone else have any other tips? Share them in the comments.