Will These 4 Products REALLY Enhance My Sex Life and Yours?

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When researching articles and other content, my internet history is obviously a bit crazy. I keep giggling more and more at the advertising that gets thrown at me for specialist products promising to change my sex life for the better. These are the ones that made me laugh the most, complete with new and honest descriptions for them.

Vajazzle

Ever get depressed because your vulva resembles a human sex organ instead of a disco ball? So demoralising. But there's hope! Just reach for Vajazzle Body Crystals. Shave, glue, set it, and forget it! (Note: "Forget it" means "Forget it until a week later, when you'll find vagina-crystals in the kitchen sink, between your butt cheeks, and on your sofa.”)

Deep Throat Spray

Hate it when you've just eaten some garlic hummus, and desperately need a breath mint, but also need to deep throat a huge cock? Worry no more; Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray is here to solve both of those oddly specific problems, while simultaneously evoking the ethereal sounds of Pink Floyd. It's the minty fresh way to paralyse normal human reflexes! For those special evenings when you want to forget you're choking on ball sack.

Erectile Quality Monitor

Ladies, do you ever have mutually-satisfying sex, but then balk at telling your friends, "He was sooo hard!" because you don't have any real way to quantify penile hardness? Don't worry, the Fast Size Erectile Quality Monitor is here to help. Just push your guy's member against the super-scientific pressure sensor, wait for his dick to bend, and and check the results; an LED light indicator will tell you how he sizes up. For added fun, use with a colour-coded calendar so you can chart your lover's progress!

Internal Feminine Flavouring

For those special days when you don't want your genitals to taste like...erm...genitals! Whenever you're afraid of a little morning breath coming from downstairs, pop in the mintiest, freshest way to make sure he'll want to go down on you. It's like toothpaste for your labia! Essential for those moments when you don't have time for a shower but still want to be intimate with a man who despises the natural taste of your body.

Has anyone else come across any other crazy products promising you a better time in the bedroom? Did you buy them and did they work? Share with us in the comments.